In reflection.

To say that the past 6 months have been easy would be a lie. Knowing that I chose some of the trials I am trying to endure makes it all the more frustrating. Knowing that I did not choose some of the trials I am trying to endure makes it all the more humbling.

This morning on the commute, I passed by a five-car accident that was so fresh that the victims were the ones directing traffic. It was so recent that the delay was two minutes instead of the usual 30-40 minutes. The images of sadness, pain, and suffering have not yet left me. Corporate men, a family with small children, a couple. People who were just on their way out, just like every other day. In the middle of all this, they were also helping each other out. Checking each other's wounds. Brushing hair out of distraught faces. Not pointing fingers, not yelling, not cursing. In the midst of their trials, they still remembered that they are their brother's keeper.

Does this make me a bad person for floundering alone in my weakness?

A bishop I had a long time ago once asked me what I think about when I am not talking. I tend to be more of a listener/thinker. I was completely caught off guard by this question and had no idea how to answer. My quiet thinking time has gone into overdrive lately, taking in the present and wondering how it translates into the future. Careers, further education, family. Am I doing what I really want with my time and talents? Why do I worry so much about this 9-5 (haha I wish) commitment of mine? What is it about public education that makes it so wacky sometimes? Occasionally my mind will wander to a cute little colonial or craftsman home with land and dogs and muddy, happy Staves children. When are we going to get there? The suspense is killing me!

I think I get too caught up in the details of arriving at my future that I forget to find joy in today. I let myself think that it is too hard to find peace when really I haven't even started trying to look yet.

Graduating put me into a frenzied quarter-life crisis these past 6 months. I've got my car, I've got my handsome man, and now it's time to focus on today and now.

[RACHEL]