Sunday, May 29, 2016

I'm back.

Hello, friends. It's been a long time... About a year and a half, in fact.

I didn't want this place to go quiet, but I let it happen. The truth is, there are only so many ways to be vague about life before you run out of ways to only sort of say what you want to say. So, I guess I'll just say it then. It's tough blogging when everyone else is writing posts about their third or fourth (or fifth!) baby, and I'm like, "Hey! We went out for ice cream again!" So, I decided I needed a break.

A couple of months ago, I felt like it was almost time for my triumphant return to blogging. We were in the process of preparing for Dan's graduation, which meant a new job and a big move, and I was pregnant. Was. Was can sometimes be a really sad word. At the beginning of April, just short of the end of my first trimester, I suffered a miscarriage. 

I had done a lot to guard myself from disappointment and heartache over the past several years, including telling myself that I didn't really want to have children that much and avoiding going to a reproductive endocrinologist. Despite my best efforts, I was still pretty heartbroken. Last August Dan and I decided it was time to go to the doctor, and I wasn't allowed to change my mind. So, we did. It was hard and I was terrified it would not work. After going through all of that super fun lab work, imaging, and tests (and lots of waiting in between), it was procedure time. I was afraid to be hopeful, but even just a few days after, I knew I was pregnant. A couple of weeks later, it was confirmed. A first time success is pretty amazing, so slowly but surely, I let hope and excitement in.

The time that followed brought more happiness than I had ever felt in the past few years, and just when it finally felt all the way good, right, and real, it was over. Now, almost two months later, I am sort of OK. Sometimes more OK, and sometimes less OK. I've got this weird mixture of hope, determination, desperation, and devastation going on.

I know this loss does not mean it is over, but moving forward is a challenge.

We don't always get the answers for why things happen, and that is okay. Part of life is growing and learning, and I am grateful that I am starting to see the ways I have been lifted when I needed help. I have such wonderful friends and family, and I would not have made it through those first terrible days as well as I did without them. I am seeing the things that I have learned about myself and the Atonement. God is good. He knows my wants and my needs and I know that in His time, I will be whole again.


[RACHEL]


PS. I mentioned a new job and a big move earlier. Big is probably an understatement here... but I think I'll save that for another post. 

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Summertime: Kennebunkport.

Well, since it is a gloomy day, I thought it would be nice to revisit the summer. In July, we took a day trip to Kennebunkport. I didn't take very many pictures, but I got some good ice cream.





Sorry, I didn't get any pictures of the ice cream.

[RACHEL]

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Fall.

I know I am still catching up from the summer... but, can I just say how much I love the fall? I think it might be my favorite season-- even though it is the start of the many days ahead where getting out of bed is really hard because it is so dark in the morning.

Recently, we went on a hike up through Dry Canyon. I always knew we had a bunch of Uinta National Forest trails (super) nearby, but for some reason it took a year and a half to actually go and explore. The weather was perfect, and the views were stunning! (even with the ever-present, super nasty haze)

The leaves were just starting to change colors.












I spy my house. No, it is not the one at the bottom of the picture.


And, for good measure, the view from my porch later that day.

[RACHEL]

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Summertime: Portsmouth, NH.

We went to Portsmouth a few times. I loved it! It's a great place for walking. There are lots of little shops, and so many beautiful things to see (and eat). All in all, it is a really charming place. I had a really hard time choosing which pictures to use for this post because I am pretty sure I took about 300. How does 17 sound instead?

I wish I could post bigger pictures without them getting cut off... but when I redesigned my blog, I forgot to make the banner wider, so the layout is still too skinny! Maybe one day I will fix it. I guess until then, just click on a picture to see it bigger.

It was a gorgeous, non-swampy day in New England!

The husband.

One side of the river.

The other side of the river.

The wife.

Lobster buoys!

Getting artsy on the bridge.

A tugboat that isn't tugging anything.

The local fauna.

Also.

Sometimes I don't know what to say underneath the pictures.

Fishing boats are not excluded from my adoration of boats.

I just really like boats. (That sounds familiar)

A little starling looking for some food.

A chipmunk having a snack.

He wasn't that scared of me.

I am not sure what this means, but I might have a few ideas...

I still have a few more things to catch up on from the summer... so basically by the time next summer ends I will have caught up. Just kidding. Well, sort of.

[RACHEL]

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Summertime: Newburyport, MA.

OK. I lose at blogging lately. Right about the time that I promised fantastic pictures from our summer adventures, I started some online classes. Then, three days after getting home from the internship a job opportunity magically came my way and I have been working (and loving it) ever since. That's the long way of saying I'VE BASICALLY HAD NO TIME!!

But, now that my floors are finally clean and I have groceries in the fridge, I can sit down and blog. Folding the laundry can wait!

Over the summer Dan and I went on quite a few day trips that were really fun. Some were old favorites, and others new adventures. Newburyport is a place that never gets old for me.

Sailing is one of my favorite ways to be on the water, so I always love getting pictures of sailboats.


I just really like sailboats.

Rob is doing his modeling pose... looks like we didn't get the message on that one :)

More boat.

This guy looks like he would be good at yoga.

 Shop windows.


We ended the evening with a stop at a restaurant we usually end up at called Agave. It's what I call "I learned this at culinary school" Mexican food. It was delicious!

As for stuff that didn't happen at the beginning of July, life is pretty good. I feel like I am finally settled in to being at home and adjusting to the hours at my new job. SPEAKING OF THAT. I now work at my doctor's office. The one who believed me that the reason I felt like garbage wasn't because I was pregnant (HA!), and then along with the others in his practice, took the time to figure out how to fix me. It is nice to know what healthy feels like, and to give others hope on their path to health as I work. And, on top of that I am learning a ton. It's hard to say if my favorite part is helping people or all that I am learning, but either way, this job is giving me lots of ideas about what my next big career step could be.

[RACHEL]

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Birthday boy.


Today is Dan's birthday. Look at him. Isn't he handsome? YES.

Happy birthday, Dan! I love how kind, intelligent, hard-working, and AMAZING you are. xoxo

[RACHEL]

Stay tuned for EPIC SUMMER PICTURE EXPLOSION!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Making sense of it all. Or at least trying...

When 2014 came, I started getting antsy. I made a goal to find one thing to change and celebrate each month. I started out pretty strong for the first quarter, and then I realized something- when was the last time that I treasured stillness? Pretty much never. So, I decided to change, and celebrate stillness. I did a pretty good job with that in May, as you can see by the lack of a post where I chopped off my hair, quit my job, or bought a new toy.

In my still and quiet moments, I did a lot of thinking. I realized that I was a little bit broken. For as long as I can remember, I have measured my worth by the things I am doing. So, when life started throwing me all sorts of curveballs, and pulling all sorts of rugs out from under my feet, I started feeling pretty lousy. So, I decided to try to do more stuff. I was being stopped dead in my tracks while in pursuit of each and every one of my ambitions-- some I've had for as long as I've been alive, and others from recent years. It was really hard to resign from my job, then immediately watch every single dream I had made for myself utterly fail. After repeatedly falling flat on my face, I realized that this antsy feeling was coming from me deciding that I had failed myself. It's been really hard for me, but I am slowly coming around to a pretty big truth-- that personal worth is not about crossing lofty (or even righteous) goals off of a list. It's who we are at our core.

As I said in my last post, I have left the profession of teaching. I do not intend to stay out of education, however. You'll have to drag me out kicking and screaming, clawing at the floor. Sometime, though I don't know when or quite how, I will find my way back. After 4 years in the classroom (and being darn good at my job-- I knew it, and they knew it), it just wasn't doing it for me. I have a passion for education. It's where I belong. The classroom just isn't where that energy is best spent. I knew it for a long time, and in prayer and pondering I could feel that God had given me the green light to move on long before I ever did. I was just being stubborn, and well, human. I kept giving the classroom the benefit of the doubt (aka making excuses) but around last December or January I was ready to heed the whisperings I had been trying to prove wrong for a couple of years. At the heart of it, the reasons for leaving  are really complicated, personal, and difficult to articulate, but I know for sure, my Heavenly Father knows me best. I know that the pieces will fall into place in a way that is perfect for me, but in His time, not mine (that's the hard part). I will find His way. Right now, even with my incomplete understanding of myself and my future, that's good enough for me.

[RACHEL]